you get a year.....

i have decided i am 'one' with the blog again...i know we have taken a short break or maybe even quit it all together but i have decided to make the effort...again...1. because i enjoy writing 2. because i love my mother and we decided to do this and i want to show her that i am not an anti-commit-tite....at least not completely... and 3. because when she doesn't write i can whip out my guilt gun...(kidding mom...no pressure...besides, only YOU can make YOU feel guilty...wiser bullshit has never been uttered...:)


since it has been a few months i thought that i would catch whoever the hell is reading this up on my life...tom and i have been back from florida since may 8th...and while it was a wonderful respite from all the bullshit that had happened the previous 8 months it was time to come up north to the land of the living...for those of you who are not familiar with our 'hood' in florida suffice it to say that the highest percentage of adults aged 65 and older in the U.S. live in our county...and while there is NO nightlife (not that we have one any more anyway:) there is a fantastic 'daylife'... we live on the gulf of mexico and a 300 acre estuary that is teeming with vegetation, birds and water animals that constantly show their splashes, fins and wings in case you forget the natural beauty one is bathing in...as i became one with nature by paddling on my board and discovering local waterways and finally setting my eyes on a black crowned night heron, tom continued to heal and grow stronger...we got into a nice rhythm of exercising and beaching and rebuilding both each other and more importantly ourselves...well, at least i can speak for myself when i say that i slowly started to reassemble myself again...i was finally sick and tired of being defined, excused and compared to a victim who had dealt with a serious bump in the trajectory of her life...i can remember the exact moment i was DONE...my mother and i were in the car, she was down for a visit, and i was bitching, AGAIN, about how much my life had changed and how helpless i still felt and she basically told me it was time to 'find a place' for it and get over it...i looked at her and told her that she always said,' you get a year to mourn a 'biggie' and then you must move on...' she nodded in agreement and i thought to myself, well then i have 2 more months that i am allowed to bitch, complain and continue to feel sorry for myself...UUGGHHH.....thankfully, my next thought as i gripped onto the f-150 wheel in the parking lot outside bell's was YUCK, fuckshitdamn, did i just actually think that!!!????? like i needed 2 more months to bitch...oh christ...oh it was a moment...one i will never forget....and one that i have my mother to thank for...as well as all the ladies who stuck by me through many other moments during the mess that was my life this past year....you know who you are and you know how much you mean to me....words will never really cut it but i believe that if an autopsy was performed on me after my death the coroner would find my heart filled with all of you....the pheonix has risen from the ashes with all her girls dancing around the fire...thank you all for letting me bitch and moan, cry, scream and sometimes punch and most importantly, helping me remember i could always fly...